If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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