Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
