I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
