Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
