i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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