Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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