End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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