____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
