Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
