I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
