all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
