things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
