we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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