i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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