Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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