I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
