Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
