Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
