I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
