Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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