I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
