So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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