I wish my penis had an off switch
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
