I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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