i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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