i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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