I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
