Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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