so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
