bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
