my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
