Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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