Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
