Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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