Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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