I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
