If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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