he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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