I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm really busy with my period
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