He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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