her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
