just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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