dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i dont even know how to be here
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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