God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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