I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
