With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
