now i know why i became what i already was.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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