Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
