Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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