friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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