his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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