I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
