ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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