My friends, they love my intelligence
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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