I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
