Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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