I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I will be naked everywhere
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
