she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
