nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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