come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
